The Italian Prime Minister, Chili Ingredients, and a Sport Popular With Native Americans.

Wow, that is a diverse group of topics.  Here we go.  On the news this morning, I heard the details of the upcoming trial of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on charges of having sex with an underage prostitute.  Mr. Berlusconi is in his seventies, quite wealthy, and a total sex fiend.  He has been linked to more prostutites, strippers, and mistresses than probably any politician in history.  The lady in question in this case has the stage name of "Ruby Heartstealer."  Here she is:

I also heard an NPR interviewer ask a Congolese man that had been castrated by rebels how it "affected his life."  Great question. 

Back to Ms. Heartstealer- one of the best stage names ever.  Which got me thinking.... As those of you that read my "French Foreign Legion Name Game" post might have realized, I like name games.  I like coming up with names for adult film stars that are terms used in common (or slightly less common) speech.   Here are my current faves:

Liquid Smoke.  We used it in chili tonight.  Great name.  But nowhere near the All-Time Greatest action hero/male porn star name:

Duke Lacrosse.  The greatest ever?  Possibly.

I bet you didn't think I could link the three topics in the title together, did you?

Mr. F

Portlandia is alive and well!!

These pictures tell an amazing story.  First off, the dash of our sweet ass VW wagon is quite clean.  That is not the main story here though.  We loaded up yesterday and rolled out of the driveway, headed east to Target.  As we got a few blocks down the road, I saw the specimen in the pics sitting at a light.  I immediately turned around, headed southwest, and began a 10 minute chase of the "bike" above, which is more difficult than you would imagine.  My family wasn't quite as into this adventure as I was- the bride was eager to get to Target to get new socks, and the boy was anticipating dropping $20 from a gift card in the toy section.  Only Lui seemed to be on board.  Two hippies facing opposite direction and pedaling while laying down is not the most efficient means of travel.  I knew they would be headed south/southwest, as this would return them to their hippy hive in Portland.  A tandem recumbent is range-bound by its inherent inefficiency and lack of reason for existence, so I knew they would be slowing down.

After finally catching them, I attempted to snap a few photos discretely.  This turned into a more brazen frontal attack when I couldn't get the angle I was seeking.  Now for the description.  What you are seeing is a modified tandem recumbent bike with a trailer behind it.  You can tell it is full of dirty hippies because any other recumbent would have a fifty year old cat lover with a beard and helmet mirrors strapped into the cockpit.  So, you have rider #1 laying feet forward, rider #2 facing the rear, and some serious pedaling going on.  And what else could possibly be in the basket except another bike?  Maybe a little patchouli and a wizard bong, but otherwise it has to be a bike being towed by a bike.  For those of you that have seen "Portlandia" on IFC, it isn't even really that satirical.  These characters all exist.

Mr. F

The Curse Has Lifted!

You probably don't know how we ended up out in Portland- my wife is a city girl and I am a mountain guy.  I love to ski; it is literally the only non-carnal thing in the world I could do every single day.  Portland was our compromise that attempted to satisfy both our needs.  That's not me in the pic, by the way.

For the last five years, I have been a season pass holder at Mount Hood Meadows, the largest and gnarliest ski area of the five on Mount Hood.  For you Colorado snobs, Meadows is the size of Copper Mountain, and gets a ton of snow.  Granted, it is really heavy, wet goo- but we get 500 inches or so a year.  I have averaged about 10-15 days a year of late, but this year has sucked royal ass- new baby, getting sick, kids getting sick, and shitty weather have conspired to keep me at home.  I have been a grand total of four days, and the conditions have sucked for three of them.  Well, Sunday was the fourth, and we finally hit the jackpot.  Thirty five inches of snow over the last four days and a new ski bud added up to a great day.  we got in early and made the first chair, and didn't cross another track for the first two runs.  Mount Hood has pretty extreme weather- usually if it is snowing, the visibility is horrible and the wind is howling- not so on Sunday.  Just steady snow and light wind.  We skied the bowls, a ton of trees, and I even dropped a small cornice (my feet usually stay on the ground).  All in all, one of the five best ski days ever.  Thank you to the wife for letting me slip out on the weekend. 

I have a pretty solid case of "wooden leg" today, and doing a ton of squats here today didn't help.

Mr. F

I'm putting this out in the universe for all to see.

It is said that when you really want something, you should share your dream with everyone in order to make the universe aware of your plans.  Well, here is mine.  I've become quite infatuated with it of late.  When he is serious about something, my friend Matt Fritz likes to say "this is no sweet bullshit."  And this is not sweet bullshit. 

I'm going to buy MT Bachelor in Bend, Oregon.  Is it for sale? No.  How much would it cost? $30-50 million.  There are a few details I don't have figured out yet (although I have figured out the financing!).  Bachelor is a wonderful ski area, and it is the sixth largest in the U.S.  It is enormously popular in Bend, which is a place I have a burning desire to live.  The real issue is no one buys a ski area in order to make money.  It's kind of like saying you want to start an airline or breed horses.   Taking on $50million in debt in order to live like a pauper is unappealing to me.  And there is the little fact I don't know anything about running a ski area.  Oh well.  I'm not going to let that slow me down.  I need to win MegaMillions in order to not care. 

MT Bachelor is owned by a Salt Lake City-based company called Powdr Corp.  They own several other resorts (Killington, Copper MT, Park City, etc) and are not too popular in Bend due to a lack of investment in improvements.  I intend to make Bachelor the Crown Jewel of the West, and the most enjoyable place to bring your family that has snow.  Think Bill Veeck (famous baseball promoter) but on a mountain. 

And so it was said, and so it shall be done.

Mr. F

This is definitely our last child.

This is the face I saw when I came into her room 30 minutes into what should have been a three hour nap.  That is pretty much the standard for her.  This is a baby that apparently only needs 3 hours of sleep per week.  She is now waking up about 4 times per night, and has consistently been a horrible napper since she was born.  In spite of that, she is pretty sweet- look at that face.  It was pretty hard to be angry that she was up early when she busted out a smile like that.  Our first was soooo easy, we assumed we had it all figured out- but Lui has thrown us for a serious loop. 

It is most likely common knowledge I desperately wanted another boy, as I was pretty vocal in expressing my opinion.  I have changed my mind now.  I want a Lui.  But I want her to freakin' sleep.


Mr. French

Book Report: The Big Rich

So, I am a bit of a reader.  I am currently working on a book called The Big Rich by Brian Burrough, a WSJ reporter based out of Texas.  The book tells the story in great detail of the rise and fall of the great Texas oil fortunes.  It is full of stories of hard work, good and bad luck, and amazing perseverance.  It is also a great story of the forefathers of American new money decadence. In some ways, ostentatious behavior in the US was invented by the Texas Oilman.  In addition, this relatively small group of Texans influenced US politics in ways vastly out of proportion to their popular name recognition.  I have selected a few of the more important characters to give some vivid examples.

 "Silver Dollar" Jim West Jr.

Mr. West was known as "Silver Dollar" for his habit of handing everyone around him silver dollars.  He had special pockets sewn into his pants for the purposes of carrying the coins.  He used to hand doormen stacks of 20 coins, throw them in pools for kids, and drop them along the aisle as he walked through restaurants.  He also was a law enforcement buff, and wore a diamond-encrusted Texas Ranger badge at all times.  He wore a diamond coated pistol as well, and favored a full-length mink in the Houston winter that was coated with (what did you expect) diamonds.



Glenn McCarthy

Mr. McCarthy is famous for using his oil fortune to build the Shamrock Hotel in Houston, at the time the biggest hotel in the world.  It was decorated entirely in the colors salmon and emerald, and was described by most as "ghastly."  He was also quite fond of getting in bar brawls, courting Hollywood starlets, and running up nearly $100million in debt he never really even attempted to pay back.  he was described by his friend Howard Hughes as "eccentric."  No lie.

HL Hunt



Mr. Hunt is "famous" for having four separate families.  No particular reason, he just had four "wives" and sets of kids at the same time, and managed to keep each of them from knowing about the others for years.  He was apparently very good at managing his time.

Hugh Roy Cullen

Mr.Cullen was a 5th grade dropout that made his fortune in the first wave of the Texas oil rush.  He went on to be one of the preeminent figures in the birth of the conservative political movement, fighting long and hard against anything that might allow black people to vote or basically do anything except be owned by white folk like himself.  He also built several hospitals in Houston, and founded the University of Houston.  People sure are complex sometimes, aren't they?

It's a pretty interesting book.  So read it, or don't.

Mr French







The French Foreign Legion Name Game

I was watching the Military Channel while my darling bride was working, and we hit upon an interesting conversation.  First off, I am a huge history buff, and she has managed to remain as informed as a day-old fawn on matters of historical record.  I admire her dedication to remaining a clean history slate.  Anyway, a program was on about the modern incarnation of the French Foreign Legion. 

For the uninformed, the Legion is a French military unit formed in 1831 and intended to be staffed with foreigners.  French citizens are welcome, but still make up less than 25% of its ranks.  The Legion has a distinguished combat reputation throughout its history, which is somewhat unusual for the French.  The most unique characteristic of the Legion was its willingness to accept foreigners on the run; in the past, you could join the the Legion with absolutely no questions asked, and assume any identity you should choose.  The Legion had very strict rules and tremendous esprit de corps, so your past didn't matter in theory- you would conform to the way of the Regiment or be gone, regardless of what you had done previous to joining.  This has changed a good bit in modern times, but the Legion is still a haven for disenfranchised soldiers from around the world, with eastern Europeans being the current flavor of the decade. 

Anyway, the idea that you could change your name and start over in a foreign army sparked an idea in my little head; I asked my wife what her Legion name would be, and she immediately answered "Latasha."  My first effort produced "Clock Hardwick" and my second was "Jocko LaRoque," pronounced LA ROCK..  This is a fun game.  I recommend you try it. 

Mr. F