I've been gone for a while.....

Sorry for the lack of posts-life has caught up with me, and I am out of poop stories.  Hopefully I will get a few more soon.  I have been temporarily inspired though, and I think I am going to try to post more frequently on the things I see that are uniquely Portland or just plain strange wherever you are.  I believe I will start these posts with this one.

It was awkward to get a pic of two people making out, but trust me, they were unaware of the world around them.  Where were these lovebirds during their tryst?  Well, the coffee shop at Whole Foods, of course!  We stopped in at 5pm to get some stuff and ended up building big, healthy, and entirely unsatisfying salads to eat in their cafe.  As an aside, I have eaten a small plate of nachos and some chocolate milk since dinner in an attempt to fill the void.

On to Billy Bob and Angelina in the pic.  He was a grubby hairy dude, and so was she.  The pic looks like they may have been enjoying a simple kiss; oh no.  It was a full-on makeout session, with tons of tongue, caresses of the face, and some inappropriate touching.  We skipped out only moments before a game of "Just the Tip" most likely broke out.  I'm sure he was about to lay her down on that uncomfortable looking bench and get busy.  It was gross, but also really funny.  My bride and I traded jokes for a good long time.  She is convinced they were on ecstasy- I wonder if other users of X know how awesome the espresso bar at Whole Foods is for a good session of heavy petting in front of tons of old people and their kids?

This Is What Food Photography Should Look Like

I made quiche last night for the first time.  Here is a pic.

Yes, it is covered in Saran Wrap and partially eaten.  I didn't think to take a pic until late in the game.  Still, it looks stunning.  I could have taken a better one, but all quiche pretty much looks the same.  Plus, the plastic wrap is a great lead-in to my idea to start my own food blog- a blog about leftovers.  Yes, I will eat something, refrigerate it, eat it again, then report on it.  How about www.shitIateyesterdayand amnowsharingwiththeworld.blogspot.com.  That is not a real link, so don't click it. 

I have heard that is somehow effete for men to eat quiche, so maybe I should call it eggpie.  Nope, I'm sticking with quiche.  If you like quiche, you should give it a whirl.  Here is what I did:

Preheat oven to 350F

Dice some pancetta (or bacon) and cook it until crisp

Dice 1/2 onion and add to pancetta

Dice up 1 small red pepper, add after onion is starting to become clear

Add three cloves of chopped garlic to pan- cook another three minutes

In a large bowl, whisk six eggs until whisk-erific

Add the following:

1/4 cup sour cream

A big squirt of spicy mustard

A handful of shredded cheese

The stuff from the pan (pancetta, onion, pepper, garlic)

A handful of chopped spinach

A cup of chopped steamed broccoli

I used a pre-made spelt pie crust, which was pretty good.  Pour the stuff from the bowl into the crust.  Cook for 45 minutes at 350F.

To me, quiche sounds like something that should be hard to make.  It isn't.  Trust me, if I did it a monkey could be enticed with a single ripe banana to do the same.

Mr. F

Eating Light, Dirt, Glitter, and the End of the World

This should be 2 posts, but it isn't.  Concentrate and try to follow my stream of consciousness.  The wife recently bought a new vegetarian cookbook about eating fresh and healthy- we have sampled a few recipes from it, and it is quite good.  I decided to make something from it on Sunday night.  I looked through it and instead chose "Bisteces Ranchero" from The Art of Braising.  Plenty of meat in that one.  This was an honest shift in direction, but couldn't have been a bigger 180.  Ranchero is a big beefy hot mess of goodness.  I was going to take pics of my creation, but I decided to play a little Plants vs. Zombies instead.  Lame.  I have plenty of leftovers, which I am guessing is an underreported food blog topic.  I think I will call it wemadetoomuchofthisandnowIwillhaveitforlunch.com.   

On to the thought of the day.  My wife and I both work out of our home, which is good and bad.  Bad because she likes to keep The Today Show on, which is to news and current events what USA Today is to the written word.  At least USA Today has pie charts.  I don't much care for The Today Show (no more time for italics) although I am convinced Ann Curry struck a deal with the devil to stay looking like she is- she is in her mid-50's. 

So, one day last week we switched over to VH1 for some morning videos- and I was introduced to Ke$ha.   Here is what I don't get, and I fear makes me quite out of touch- apparently, the end of the world is coming, and  we have to party like it is our last.  OK, I am aware of the existence of several apocalyptic theories (but blissfully unaware of the details of any), so I understand the desire to go out like a shooting star.  What I don't get is why everyone wears so much glitter.  And dirt.  They simply don't go together.  I googled the term "Glitter and Dirt," and got this.  Yep, photos of Barbies.  I Holy shit, I am old.  What is the world coming to?  It reminded me of "Derelicte" in Zoolander. 

Plus I hate being dirty.  I propose glitter and litter, where you get all shiny and then drop things in your wake.  I googled that and found this:

Now we are getting somewhere.

Mr. F

I shall confess to my biggest phobia

This is not a picture of me.

I have a real issue with body hair.  I haven't taken the step to rid myself of it, but I sense the day is near.  I was lying in the tub this morning and realized hair is taking over my body like kudzu on a magnolia tree.  And I would consider myself relatively hairless when compared to some of the man-apes out there.

That's a house underneath all that vine.  Picture my body instead of a house, and you understand my fears.  Ok, perhaps that is taking it a bit too far.  Regardless, if it were easy, socially acceptable, and painless, I would clean things up a good bit- most likely leaving hair on my head and eyebrows only.   Think how much cooler summer would feel?  Unfortunately, I can't bear the thought of looking like a 200 pound cyclist.  Hirsute it is. 

And don't even get me started on hair on women. 

Mr. F

Darth Vader Wears a Pashmina

 A week ago I finally convinced my bride our son was ready to begin watching the Star Wars movies- we had a Friday Movie Night (complete with popcorn) and watched Episode 1; The Phantom Menace.  A great time was had by the boy and I, and the wife found it tolerable. 

 Watching the movie spurred another round of Star Wars infatutation- as seen in the pic above.  Which led to an interesting statement from five-year-old Bridger today- as I was helping him get his costume on, he said "Darth Vader has a pashmina" in reference to the cape attached to the costume.  How does he know what a pashmina is?  How do I? 

It's a scarf.  Or a shawl.  Or a serape.  But on Vader, it is definitely a bad-ass cape.


I blame my wife for filling his head with fashion.


Mr. F

Glamour Shots, a New Religion, and People That Take a Lot of Pictures of Themselves

A blogger I know (not my bride)  and I were having an interesting discussion this morning- she mentioned that there seems to be a trend amongst Mormon women bloggers to take pictures of themselves and post them online, showing everyone what they are wearing and what their hair looks like.  This prompted the recall of a memory of mine- when I was in the Air Force, Mormon pilots I worked with tended to have "Glamour Shot" pics of their wives on their desks.  Is there a Mormon glamour shot tradition?  I don't know.  Before anyone assumes I am Mormon-bashing in any way, I'm not.  I'm simply pointing out what may be random coincidences

This conversation meandered onto the topic of how weird it is to take lots of posed pics of yourself and post them on Facebook or a blog.  I was going to take one of myself as an example, but I am too lazy and vain already. 

The discussion of Mormon photography trends eventually turned to a dissection of the Mormon religion itself.  People love to criticize Mormons by saying it is crazy that a guy found some stone tablets in the woods less than two hundred years ago and the faith was born.  I say if you look at them objectively, all faiths make no sense- the Mormons's problem is their faith is too new- it helps to have several thousand years of wind at your back to make people believe you. The Book Of Mormon is no stranger than the Old or New Testament, the Torah, or the Koran.*

I have decided to start a new religious faith, as I discovered several stone tablets while biking, and the meaning of life was handed down to me by the one true God.  Since I am his chosen vessel, I will relay his word over time.  It is most important that I begin spreading my seed in order to expand the faith.  The difference in my new faith and most others (aside from being so far un-named) is I will not use young girls to procreate- 32 years old and up is all I can tolerate, for several reasons. My wife isn't really ok with this yet, but things are pretty new and everything is on the table.  I will wear a lot of comfortable robes, though.  That one is non-negotiable.  As are a total ban on skinny jeans, trucker hats, small dogs you can carry in a purse, tofu, and tallbikes.

*If you are a devout Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Mormon, agnostic, or atheist, I'm making fun of all of you equally, and with a warm heart.  I believe in a higher power, as it explains the unexplainable.  That's my idea, feel free to come up with your own.  I embrace your faith (regardless of what it is), as long as you use it to elevate yourself and not to judge others that are spiritual (or not)in a manner that is different from you- the judging isn't your job.  But you can judge those crazy bastards at Westboro, the guy in Florida that thought it would be wise to burn a copy of the Koran, and the Afghans that slaughtered some folks because of it. 

Mr. F

The Italian Prime Minister, Chili Ingredients, and a Sport Popular With Native Americans.

Wow, that is a diverse group of topics.  Here we go.  On the news this morning, I heard the details of the upcoming trial of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on charges of having sex with an underage prostitute.  Mr. Berlusconi is in his seventies, quite wealthy, and a total sex fiend.  He has been linked to more prostutites, strippers, and mistresses than probably any politician in history.  The lady in question in this case has the stage name of "Ruby Heartstealer."  Here she is:

I also heard an NPR interviewer ask a Congolese man that had been castrated by rebels how it "affected his life."  Great question. 

Back to Ms. Heartstealer- one of the best stage names ever.  Which got me thinking.... As those of you that read my "French Foreign Legion Name Game" post might have realized, I like name games.  I like coming up with names for adult film stars that are terms used in common (or slightly less common) speech.   Here are my current faves:

Liquid Smoke.  We used it in chili tonight.  Great name.  But nowhere near the All-Time Greatest action hero/male porn star name:

Duke Lacrosse.  The greatest ever?  Possibly.

I bet you didn't think I could link the three topics in the title together, did you?

Mr. F