Friday, January 28, 2011

The Greatest Game Ever Invented

When Animals Fight.......


First off, this is not some Michael Vick dogfighting ring story; this is a true story about a fictional game, the greatest ever played.  Here is the scene; I have no idea how the game actually was hatched, but I do know the inventors.  Myself, and Radd Kulseth.  First, a word about Radd- Radd is an attorney in Minnesota.  He is also famous for the following:

1. Rocking a "Donnie Brasco" style leather jacket since at least 2000.

                                       (This is Al Pacino and Johnny Depp, not Radd)

2.  He has been known to throw the Figure 4 Leglock on strangers at the bar, but only with their permission.

3.  He went through a period where he lived on cigarettes and cheese.
4. He recognizes that I get more clever after four beers.
5.  He is one of the three or four funniest people I know-think hard; how many people do you know that are consistently clever, ready with a quip or joke, and never miss a beat in a conversation?  I'm not talking silly guys that make fart noises here.  I mean clever, and FUNNY.
6.  He may be the superhero Captain America- at least he has the costume.

So anyway, one night while our wives were talking about wife stuff, Radd and I began a conversation about who would win a fight to the death between an adult male African lion and an adult male Siberian tiger. we almost immediately agreed that the tiger would clearly win, due to its much greater size and better work ethic.  From there, a revolution was spawned.  The rules of the game are as such:
1. The setups can be as simple (boring) or as complicated (good) as wanted.  There are only two arbitrators in the entire galaxy, Radd or myself.  In case of a rare split vote, I have veto power since Radd doesn't have my Blogger login.  Radd, he who votes decides nothing; he who counts the votes decides everything.
2. As many questions as needed can be asked of the creator of the setup before answering, but once you begin, you can gather no more info.
3. The answer can be total bullshit, as long as you can justify it with credibility, eloquence, and true panache

As an aside, this game was stolen from us a few years ago by the Discovery Channel, which created a turd of a show along the same lines with a bunch of nerdy scientists playing with computers.  This was just one of the inventions I've had stolen, to include The Tupper Tether (tupperware with a lid on a tether), the one bridge theory (not really stolen or accepted yet), and the disposable toothbrush/toothpaste combo.

So, every week or so, I will run a scenario by you, and give you an opportunity to excel.  Remember, there is a right answer, so be clever and don't waste Radd's time- he will bill you at $400/hour.  I will tell you to go outside and stare at the sun.  I will answer a day or two after the post, and I encourage you to practice different setups and scenarios amongst your friends.  There may even be really, really bad prizes.  Here we go!

The scenario is as follows- A six-year old feral alley cat saunters slowly into a rectangular room measuring 10'x16.'  A picture of the cat is above.  Look at that mean looking bastard.  In the room are two 16" high end tables with open sides, a 4' tall oak bookshelf, and a 6' tall metal coat rack with 4 metal arms.  Perched on the top of the coat rack is a adult male great horned owl.  Refer to picture above; owls are savvy predators themselves, now aren't they?Neither the cat nor the owl have eaten in 36 hours.  Both are in peak condition, although the cat has fleas and the owl has mites.  Only one will leave the room.  

Let the games begin.


Mr. French


  1. I am pretty sure you and Radd are the only ones that can play this game or perhaps it is because I am female I just don't have the thougth process it takes to come up with the insane things you do. I am sure I would just be chatting "wife stuff";)! You should repost an example, such as the New Years Eve battle. I look forward to the winning out come...they are always entertaining.

  2. i think i'm betting on the cat...but in about an hour i could change my mind.

  3. ok because you are making me put it in type...the cat would win because it would hide under the table, preventing the owl from swooping down and grabbing hold with its big old talons, forcing it to get under the table with the cat, the cat would be much more nimble than the owl in such a confined space! i won!

  4. Are you not entertained!? I have to say, this was one of the more impressive hypothetical battles I've had the pleasure to be a part of. I'm really excited to have a chance to make a ruling, which will subsequently be vetoed by Mr. French.

    Thanks for the nice words, Kyle. Aside from descriptor #5 (feigned modesty alert!), everything else you've said is true. And that is bizarre when listed in print. Also, you forgot about 'chiropractor to the homeless.'

    Love the blog-- I've even somehow managed to have it as part of my Reeder newsfeed. I don't know what any of those words mean.

  5. Owl will win! It can deficate with nearly no effort while still perched on coat rake and not have to take eyes off prey. Neck allows for no calories to be burned due to 360 degree turning radius. Also allowing for no loss in hunting. Owl is also a very effient hunter with iron stomach and can utilize nutrients in cat feces thus just waiting it out for the four legged animal to cave in first.

  6. Maybe you are on to something here..... Nope. I guess we'll see, won't we?

  7. I live in the ancient port city of Haifa, Israel - and the city is filled with feral cats. I want to pick the owl, because flight is awesome and cool... but my money's on the cat. Assuming, of course, that he still has both eyes.