Sunday, April 24, 2011

Eating Light, Dirt, Glitter, and the End of the World

This should be 2 posts, but it isn't.  Concentrate and try to follow my stream of consciousness.  The wife recently bought a new vegetarian cookbook about eating fresh and healthy- we have sampled a few recipes from it, and it is quite good.  I decided to make something from it on Sunday night.  I looked through it and instead chose "Bisteces Ranchero" from The Art of Braising.  Plenty of meat in that one.  This was an honest shift in direction, but couldn't have been a bigger 180.  Ranchero is a big beefy hot mess of goodness.  I was going to take pics of my creation, but I decided to play a little Plants vs. Zombies instead.  Lame.  I have plenty of leftovers, which I am guessing is an underreported food blog topic.  I think I will call it   

On to the thought of the day.  My wife and I both work out of our home, which is good and bad.  Bad because she likes to keep The Today Show on, which is to news and current events what USA Today is to the written word.  At least USA Today has pie charts.  I don't much care for The Today Show (no more time for italics) although I am convinced Ann Curry struck a deal with the devil to stay looking like she is- she is in her mid-50's. 

So, one day last week we switched over to VH1 for some morning videos- and I was introduced to Ke$ha.   Here is what I don't get, and I fear makes me quite out of touch- apparently, the end of the world is coming, and  we have to party like it is our last.  OK, I am aware of the existence of several apocalyptic theories (but blissfully unaware of the details of any), so I understand the desire to go out like a shooting star.  What I don't get is why everyone wears so much glitter.  And dirt.  They simply don't go together.  I googled the term "Glitter and Dirt," and got this.  Yep, photos of Barbies.  I Holy shit, I am old.  What is the world coming to?  It reminded me of "Derelicte" in Zoolander. 

Plus I hate being dirty.  I propose glitter and litter, where you get all shiny and then drop things in your wake.  I googled that and found this:

Now we are getting somewhere.

Mr. F

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I shall confess to my biggest phobia

This is not a picture of me.
I have a real issue with body hair.  I haven't taken the step to rid myself of it, but I sense the day is near.  I was lying in the tub this morning and realized hair is taking over my body like kudzu on a magnolia tree.  And I would consider myself relatively hairless when compared to some of the man-apes out there.

That's a house underneath all that vine.  Picture my body instead of a house, and you understand my fears.  Ok, perhaps that is taking it a bit too far.  Regardless, if it were easy, socially acceptable, and painless, I would clean things up a good bit- most likely leaving hair on my head and eyebrows only.   Think how much cooler summer would feel?  Unfortunately, I can't bear the thought of looking like a 200 pound cyclist.  Hirsute it is. 

And don't even get me started on hair on women. 

Mr. F

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Darth Vader Wears a Pashmina

 A week ago I finally convinced my bride our son was ready to begin watching the Star Wars movies- we had a Friday Movie Night (complete with popcorn) and watched Episode 1; The Phantom Menace.  A great time was had by the boy and I, and the wife found it tolerable. 

 Watching the movie spurred another round of Star Wars infatutation- as seen in the pic above.  Which led to an interesting statement from five-year-old Bridger today- as I was helping him get his costume on, he said "Darth Vader has a pashmina" in reference to the cape attached to the costume.  How does he know what a pashmina is?  How do I? 
It's a scarf.  Or a shawl.  Or a serape.  But on Vader, it is definitely a bad-ass cape.

I blame my wife for filling his head with fashion.

Mr. F

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Glamour Shots, a New Religion, and People That Take a Lot of Pictures of Themselves

A blogger I know (not my bride)  and I were having an interesting discussion this morning- she mentioned that there seems to be a trend amongst Mormon women bloggers to take pictures of themselves and post them online, showing everyone what they are wearing and what their hair looks like.  This prompted the recall of a memory of mine- when I was in the Air Force, Mormon pilots I worked with tended to have "Glamour Shot" pics of their wives on their desks.  Is there a Mormon glamour shot tradition?  I don't know.  Before anyone assumes I am Mormon-bashing in any way, I'm not.  I'm simply pointing out what may be random coincidences

This conversation meandered onto the topic of how weird it is to take lots of posed pics of yourself and post them on Facebook or a blog.  I was going to take one of myself as an example, but I am too lazy and vain already. 

The discussion of Mormon photography trends eventually turned to a dissection of the Mormon religion itself.  People love to criticize Mormons by saying it is crazy that a guy found some stone tablets in the woods less than two hundred years ago and the faith was born.  I say if you look at them objectively, all faiths make no sense- the Mormons's problem is their faith is too new- it helps to have several thousand years of wind at your back to make people believe you. The Book Of Mormon is no stranger than the Old or New Testament, the Torah, or the Koran.*

I have decided to start a new religious faith, as I discovered several stone tablets while biking, and the meaning of life was handed down to me by the one true God.  Since I am his chosen vessel, I will relay his word over time.  It is most important that I begin spreading my seed in order to expand the faith.  The difference in my new faith and most others (aside from being so far un-named) is I will not use young girls to procreate- 32 years old and up is all I can tolerate, for several reasons. My wife isn't really ok with this yet, but things are pretty new and everything is on the table.  I will wear a lot of comfortable robes, though.  That one is non-negotiable.  As are a total ban on skinny jeans, trucker hats, small dogs you can carry in a purse, tofu, and tallbikes.

*If you are a devout Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Mormon, agnostic, or atheist, I'm making fun of all of you equally, and with a warm heart.  I believe in a higher power, as it explains the unexplainable.  That's my idea, feel free to come up with your own.  I embrace your faith (regardless of what it is), as long as you use it to elevate yourself and not to judge others that are spiritual (or not)in a manner that is different from you- the judging isn't your job.  But you can judge those crazy bastards at Westboro, the guy in Florida that thought it would be wise to burn a copy of the Koran, and the Afghans that slaughtered some folks because of it. 

Mr. F

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Italian Prime Minister, Chili Ingredients, and a Sport Popular With Native Americans.

Wow, that is a diverse group of topics.  Here we go.  On the news this morning, I heard the details of the upcoming trial of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on charges of having sex with an underage prostitute.  Mr. Berlusconi is in his seventies, quite wealthy, and a total sex fiend.  He has been linked to more prostutites, strippers, and mistresses than probably any politician in history.  The lady in question in this case has the stage name of "Ruby Heartstealer."  Here she is:

I also heard an NPR interviewer ask a Congolese man that had been castrated by rebels how it "affected his life."  Great question. 

Back to Ms. Heartstealer- one of the best stage names ever.  Which got me thinking.... As those of you that read my "French Foreign Legion Name Game" post might have realized, I like name games.  I like coming up with names for adult film stars that are terms used in common (or slightly less common) speech.   Here are my current faves:

Liquid Smoke.  We used it in chili tonight.  Great name.  But nowhere near the All-Time Greatest action hero/male porn star name:

Duke Lacrosse.  The greatest ever?  Possibly.

I bet you didn't think I could link the three topics in the title together, did you?

Mr. F

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Portlandia is alive and well!!

These pictures tell an amazing story.  First off, the dash of our sweet ass VW wagon is quite clean.  That is not the main story here though.  We loaded up yesterday and rolled out of the driveway, headed east to Target.  As we got a few blocks down the road, I saw the specimen in the pics sitting at a light.  I immediately turned around, headed southwest, and began a 10 minute chase of the "bike" above, which is more difficult than you would imagine.  My family wasn't quite as into this adventure as I was- the bride was eager to get to Target to get new socks, and the boy was anticipating dropping $20 from a gift card in the toy section.  Only Lui seemed to be on board.  Two hippies facing opposite direction and pedaling while laying down is not the most efficient means of travel.  I knew they would be headed south/southwest, as this would return them to their hippy hive in Portland.  A tandem recumbent is range-bound by its inherent inefficiency and lack of reason for existence, so I knew they would be slowing down.

After finally catching them, I attempted to snap a few photos discretely.  This turned into a more brazen frontal attack when I couldn't get the angle I was seeking.  Now for the description.  What you are seeing is a modified tandem recumbent bike with a trailer behind it.  You can tell it is full of dirty hippies because any other recumbent would have a fifty year old cat lover with a beard and helmet mirrors strapped into the cockpit.  So, you have rider #1 laying feet forward, rider #2 facing the rear, and some serious pedaling going on.  And what else could possibly be in the basket except another bike?  Maybe a little patchouli and a wizard bong, but otherwise it has to be a bike being towed by a bike.  For those of you that have seen "Portlandia" on IFC, it isn't even really that satirical.  These characters all exist.

Mr. F