Friday, March 11, 2011

The First Annual Pop Culture Ass Clown Awards

Hello-- this post owes it creation to the fact that my wife casually mentioned today that the douchenozzle of a lead singer for the crappy adult contemporary band Maroon Five is "good looking."  I am not one to be jealous of a good looking man, but I really hate that guy.  So, without further delay, here is my list of the top pop culture "personalities" that should go choke themselves.  The criteria for making the list are not as simple as you might imagine- obvious A-Holes like Spencer Pratt are not included. 

Our first member:

In my opinion, these could very well be called the "Fred Durst Ass Clown Awards."  He set the bar impossibly high for all others to attempt to follow.  He outlasted his alotted 15 minutes of fame by a long shot, and has apparently resigned himself to a life of producing bad records, date rape, and getting rashes.

Oh, this is a good one.  Everyone, myself included, cheered when he got the piss taken out of him in "Fight Club."  For some reason, he just seems to make everyone except 12 year old girls hate him.  Maybe it is his incredible self-righteousness and general wankerosity.  He needs a punch in the liver.

I hate this guy mainly because I hate his music.  I hate his music because I hate the fact that all their videos are about how much ass he gets, which is probably true.  This is a sign that the Mayan Apocalypse may be true.

I don't know why he bugs me.  I liked him as the fat kid in "Stand By Me."  Bad, bad, actor though.

Huge AssHat.  Loses major points for having relations with Jessica Simpson, who looks like a smelly little troll.  Talks too much, and is making up for all the time he spent shoved inside a locker in high school.  There is nothing worse than a nerd that gets cool and still has a huge chip on his shoulder.  Bill Gates is a nerd, and he doesn't hold a grudge.  Lighten up, John.

No list is complete without a group Ass Clown Award.  This year, it goes to Korn, for making shitty music for over a decade and being all around ass monkeys.  I can't believe they sold even one album.  If you have or had a Korn CD, go stare at the sun.

Explain- you were in a band (a bad one)- then you decided to host game shows and some entertainment show?  I'm confused.  Frosted tips call for a sweet little kick to the liver.

Joel Madden was the inspiration behind the term "giant sack of wuss."  I stand by that.  Bad musician, bad choice in love, and just a general ass hat.

First off, I don't actually hate any of these people.  Nor do I know them.  But I bet if I did know them, I would be underwhelmed.  OK, maybe I do hate Leto and that guy from Maroon Five.  This list is nowhere near complete, so feel free to make suggestions.  Keep in mind- everyone knows Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson are steaming hot messes, so don't be too obvious.  No Tom Cruise either- too on the nose.

Mr. F

P.S. I forgot a few.  Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and even Chuck Norris.  Stallone has made exactly one good movie ("Rocky").  He now thinks he really was a pro boxer.  He wasn't.  JCVD and Chuck have made zero.  Chuck is incredibly self-righteous to be such a shitty actor.  And his face looks like a fright mask now.  Van Damme is Van Damme.  Enough said. 


  1. Mickey Rourke - i've never liked him, now with the scary surgery *shudder*
    Kenny Chesney - who wears sleeveless tees? no one i know
    Brad Pitt - divorced one of the hottest women ever for a woman that kisses her brother and collects children like lifesavers.

  2. You hit the nail in the head with John Mayer. Puke.

  3. My husband would agree with you. 100 percent. Personally, I think the Maroon 5 lead singer is cute too!