Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I am the Real Frugal Gourmet

I like good food as much as anyone, but I have several hard and fast rules I believe everyone should follow.  And, by the way, don't let your five year old watch "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy; they will be fascinated but incredibly terror stricken. 

OK, back to food.  My simple rule is this: a meal that costs $100 for two that consists of two salads, two entrees, one dessert and two drinks (total) had better be six times better than a carnitas burrito (no rice) from Chipotle and the weird salad/bowl thing the bride eats.  Usually it isn't.  The same applies for food eaten at home.  My bride (who is looking quite foxy of late) and I went to Whole Foods today, and spent $78 for three things of oatmeal and a bag of arugala.  Whole Foods is a fucking ripoff. 

Later in the day, I took my darling Lui to Trader Joe's and Safeway, and much value shopping was done.  She did kick off one of her shoes, which required a good bit of backtracking to locate. Oh well. 

Here is what I saw at Trader Joe's and Safeway that kick royal ass on anything at Whole Foods:

1. Honey crisp corn dogs.  Corn dogs are maybe the world's most perfect food.  Slathered in mustard and perfect in my book.

2. Little Smokies- covered in BBQ sauce, they were first eaten by Adam and Eve.  The real dispute started in the Garden of Eden when Eve chose the apple over a delicious Lil Smoky.  Fool.

3. Snickers.  They really do satisfy.  One of the houses in our hood gives out full size versions on Halloween.  We have that house targeted on our trick or treat map, and we may even go by twice this year.

4. Tostitos Touch of Lime chips.  Honestly, I would kill a man for these.  A stranger though, not someone I know.

5. Good old Coca Cola.  In the red can.  The plastic bottle Coke doesn't taste as good, and who needs 20-24 ounces of soda?  I know the Coke in the glass bottle (so-called "Mexican Coke" as that is where it is bottled) is great, but it costs 2.5 times a much as good ol' red can Coke.  By the way, Diet Coke tastes like ass.  And all Pepsi products are for the weak and feeble.

6.  Any form of nacho.  Even the ones at the convenience store with fake cheese aren't too bad. 

7.  French's yellow mustard in the glass jar.  Tastes better than the squeeze bottle.  I don't know why, but it does.  My all-time favorite is Gulden'sSpicy Brown.  I love all mustards.

8.  Ketchup (Heinz only) is to be consumed on french fries and onion rings ONLY.  A small bit is acceptable on a burger if it is in a ratio of 1:4 with mustard.  And never, ever, on a hot dog.  My son and I have a serious disagreement on this one. 

9. I like to squirt chocolate syrup straight into my mouth.

10.  Jif creamy is the best peanut butter on the planet.  Adam's No Stir?  Please.  Only Jif is packed with all the tooth rotting sugar a fella needs.

11. Trader Joe's chocolate truffle brownies are 90% brownie, 10% crack.  Awesome.

12.  German Chocolate cake is the best cake out there.

13.  I don't like cheese cake.

14. I have no problem going back to get several samples from the same person, but enjoy telling them it is my wife's second trip back immensely. 

15.  All stores should have several types of pickle relish.  And tomato relish, which is delicious.

16.  Bread and Butter pickles are fantastic.

17.  The best scone in the world still tastes like sawdust and baby diapers.  Have a little self respect and get yourself a donut, cookie, or even a croissant.

Surely that is enough to make you head out and eat some garbage.

Mr. F


  1. This post prompted me to eat a 3rd Trader Joe's hash brown. You will get hate mail from my hips in about 2 days.

  2. i'm a southern girl - my love for "real" coke is only surpassed by my love of krispy kreme doughnuts and cornbread cooked in an iron skillet. fresh peas or butter beans cooked with leftover ham. hersey's syrup on top of vanilla ice cream. bread and butter pickles are the best - especially the ones my grandmother used to make.

    and little smokies are da bomb...of course i make this special barbeque sauce which consists of heinz ketchup and grape jelly - sure, you scoff but it is heaven.