Thursday, March 3, 2011

I will share with you the identity of the Holy Grail.

Historians and religious leaders have been searching for several thousand years for the grail; I think I have it figured out.  In addition, I have lost my muse, and am out of things to talk about.  It is time to share my personal quest.

The grail was believed to be a cup, plate, or saucer used by Jesus at the Last Supper, and is supposed to have magical powers.  Other legends say the grail was used to collect the blood of Jesus before he was interred.  Dan Brown (the DaVinci Code guy) thinks the grail was the secret female child of Christ.  Wrong.  It doesn't look like this:

Nope, it actually looks like this:

And it's available at a store near you!

So, as you might have figured by my previous posts showing a taste for potty humor, I am on a quest to take the perfect poop.  How is that defined?  Simple.  ALL of the poop in your body is gone, and you only need one square to wipe with.  When you walk out of the bathroom, you can put on jeans that were too tight 10 minutes earlier.  To me, constipation is a fate worse than death. 

I was turned on to Metamucil by my BFF Jim Bixby.  Jim is one of those guys that is so freakin' awesome even my wife wants to be BFF's with him.  Well, Jim and I were deployed to Afghanistan and he let me in on the secrets of "The Program" as we dubbed it.  Every night, one takes a cup (I use a Gatorade bottle) and fills it with about 16 ounces of water.  Then you add the powder.  Don't measure- just pour until you think you have way too much.  You don't.  Now shake and drink immediately.  If you wait it will harden into a gelatinous mess. 

The next morning should provide a truly epic experience.  I will refrain from using any adjectives other than to describe it as a long, feathery serpent.  Try a little coffee beforehand as well- think of the coffee as the detonating cord and the Metamucil as the Semtex (plastic explosive).  One other tip- never use any flavor other than orange.  Never buy store brands.  And don't try to substitute tablets or pills for the powder. 

Here's to good shitting!

Mr. French

1 comment:

  1. this must be taught in basic training. my dad (retired CMSgt) drank metamucil EVERY SINGLE night. the sound of the spoon stirring in the glass is one of my most clear and persistent memories from childhood.
    i commend your toughness. i can't stomach the stuff (no pun intended!).