Thursday, February 17, 2011

I have urges to commit random acts of blinding violence.....

I love bikes; all kinds, for all uses.  I don't care if you like to ride around the block, commute to work, road race, or mountain bike.  Portland has a crazy bike culture, and you see all kinds of crazy stuff on the road.  That is fine by me, up to a point.  It's when the bike becomes more than an instrument of transportation or enjoyment that things go awry; please don't become a smug self-righteous ass clown about it.  I have four specific complaints:

1. Tall bikes- When I see one, I want to swerve into their lane and smash their ridiculous bike between my truck tires.  Don't ride a bike in traffic that you can't bring to a halt without falling six feet to the ground.  It is also nice to have a bike that allows you to occasionally stop at a light or stop sign when needed.

His friends probably wear an "I'm with stupid" T-shirt around him.

2. Fixed-gear bikes with no brakes.  I get it, it is fun.  But don't deny that brakes work better than skidding.  I know you say that not having brakes makes you more aware, and this is the same reason teenagers aren't allowed to vote.  It's because they are too dumb.  And so are you if you think a chain is made to handle the kind of loads you are putting on it by using it to stop.  Denying the utility of brakes is similar to denying that a fork is an evolutionary leap up from the chopstick.  In addition, the fixed gear "lifestyle" is now available at WalMart.  I'm sure they are continuing the celebration of smelly under-employment and self-righteousness that we all love.


3.  Blatant disregard for traffic laws combined with a desire to prove you have equal access to the roads with drivers.  You know the type, riding in the middle of the lane at 15 miles per hour in a 30 mile per hour zone to show they are the equal of other traffic, but blowing through every light or sign.  Choose to be a rebel, or choose to be a productive member of society.  Just because you are allowed to ride down the middle and hold up traffic doesn't mean you should.  Move aside when the cars back up.

4. Alternate forms of transportation like the unicycle.  We saw a guy riding down the sidewalk today at the same speed as a toddler walks, with a backpack slung over his shoulder and dress pants on.  I imagine unicyclists are thinking, "man, I look cool on this."  They should realize that when others see them, they think, " that guy has never seen a vagina." 

The modern unicyclist.  Post to come on how much I hate fucking clowns.  Thanks, John Wayne Gacy.

Biking is an enjoyable form of transportation, great excersize, and a whole lot of fun.  Once it becomes a lifestyle that allows you to judge others, you are probably a huge prick.

Mr. F

1 comment:

  1. i hate clowns....they just seem weird all crammed small cars and take joy in the pain of others. ok - i would make an exception for red skelton but his clown was always sad.

    around here most cyclist are of the motorized kind (as in harley) but i don't like the snooty, rich guys in weird helmets and shorts that show me their religion. they ride in packs and block the roads where i want to be on sundays.